Hey Slayer!!
 
Is it just me, or is Robert Mugabe, the self elected president of Zimbabwe sporting a Hitler moustache? What is it with despots and the perpetual runny nose look?
 
Dwight
 
Camden, NJ

The effect of a moustache on the masculine ego is a question for the ages. In my intergalactic travels, I have seen no better combat accessory than the moustache.

This fashion craze was popularized on Earth by the egomaniacal warlord Hitler.

• 
• Hitler; From Dirty Sanchez, to just plain dirty lip.

The Hitler Warlord fell into disfavor along with his moustache. This provided no end of amusement to the pseudo-intellectuals who then put the villainous ’stache upon those they deem evil…

• 
• Here, the Warlord Bush is sporting the evil moustache.

This brings us to Robert Mugabe. Mr. Mugabe has expressed admiration for the efficacy of Hitler’s policies.

Therefore, he has appropriated a version of the tryannical moustache, hoping to cash in on its mystical powers.

• 
• Robert Mugabe; he missed a spot.

There is little doubt that the moustache lends special powers to the masculine being.

Among Slayers, this is settled science. Seeing that we cannot grow moustaches, we rip them off the men we encounter and fashion our own. Here are some examples:

• 
• This is the Dirtiest Sanchez, an all-time favorite for raids.

___

• 
• Here’s Jim with the Groucho Glasses. He says they are Hitler glasses but I keep telling him Hitler didn’t wear glasses. “He does now, Bitch!” is always the retort. Oh well… 

___

• 
• This is me with Big Red.

When I don Big Red, my soul is on fire.

I remember once killing a baker. He was covered in flour, kneeling on the floor of his shop. I started throwing stuff around and shouted “Where are the f***ing raspberry cookies? I want some f***ing raspberry cookies!” He started to blubber and could not speak so I screamed “Pay homage to the Big Red moustache. Pay homage to the Big Red you maggot!”

He really let go then, because he had never been attacked by an alien with a glued on red moustache and I could tell it was harming his sanity. I killed him before he lost his grip on reality, but I never forgot the effect of the moustache.

Why is that dude from Weezer always whining about what a loser he is? Where have all the manly singers gone?
 
Geoff,  Miami

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The wheezing lead singer of Weezer is a sad example of what passes for a man on your planet today.

He is a victim of estrogen pollution.

Across the galaxy there is an epidemic of declining masculinity. Manly singers are slowly losing their balls. This is due in large part to the estrogen intoxication that permeates the entertainment industry.
The sickness of estrogen intoxication is particularly devastating to the natural man. It causes overly critical introspection, emotional outbursts and endless blathering due to heightened insecurity.
These conditions lead to the medical condition “Testiculum Reductus.”
Even masculine icons like Tom Jones have gone soft. James Brown is dead.
The last outpost of the manly singer is Country Music.
Alan Jackson, Trace Adkins, Daryl Worley, Phill Vassar and Toby Keith to name a few.

Who came first, the Transformers or the Gobots?
 
Charlemaine,
 
Paris, LV

The Gobots surfaced first in 1983, Earth time. The far more stylish Tranformers did not manifest until 1984.

Compare the two, there is no contest.

Goblots, unbelievable….

With the 4th of July holiday coming up, I would like to know what is the best way to Bar B Que, charcoal or gas?  Also, Do you know of any good recipes for a sauce? - Jason-FL

While gas is convenient, it is no match for charcoal. Each time I smell the charcoal, I am reminded of the sweet screams of the soon to be devoured.

Could you imagine Slayers working with gas? What if a tank ran out?

“Dag nabbit, we can’t cook these captives because we ran out of gas.”

That will never happen. Every Slayer is trained in the art of improvisational pyrotechnic engineering.

Coal it is my man. Gas is for posers. As far as a BBQ recipe, you can never go wrong with a dash of blood and tears.

Check out some photos of our Raids from The Slayer’s Photo Album!

Do you get along with your step parent?

What are some things you like or dislike about them? Also  can you comment if you have a step brother or sister? - Bill in Texas

No. My brother Jim helped me to dispatch of our stepmother. I did not like her constant interfering in our raids and razing of cities. She would demand we treat everyone “nice” and follow the Golden Rule. Phah! We are Slayers, slaying is our business and business is good. We threw that infernal wench into some quicksand. Jim shouted ”Golden rule that, Shrew!” 

Other than Jim, I have no siblings of any sort.

Dear Slayer,
 
In your otherworldly travels have you come across any fart symhonies? I have considered recording a variety of real fart sounds and stringing them together to compose coherent pieces of music. Imagine Beethoven’s Fifth in B “Frrrapp!”
 
So have u encountered this artsy fartsy concept?
 
Jethro
 
Eugene, Oregon

Typically a Slayer only hears this noise when he stomps on the guts of his foes, but The Slayer will confirm you are not alone on your magnificent quest for auditory nirvana.

Here are some examples:

Jingle Bells

Pop Music

Beethoven’s 5th w/handfarts

So, you are still in the running to edit your flautulent Magnum Opus. Perhaps you could mix it up, mabye throw in a dog fart or some other creature. The first interspecies fart symphony. The possibilites are limitless…

How often should my lawnmower blade be changed/sharpened? I’ve had the mower for many years now and it doesn’t seem to be cutting the grass well anymore.

Also, is there any maintenance that the slayer would suggest for keeping my mower in good shape for years to come?

Thanks, Mike - FL

Oh and…

P.S. whats with that crazy screeching noise you and your buddies make just before you take the dirt nap?

A blade, is a blade, is a blade…

Just as I sharpen my LST (Laser Sword Thingy), the grass slayer should have its cutting edge honed once a month. Using a file, you stroke against the leading edge at a 45-degree angle. Try to keep the blade balanced or you will need a blade balancer, which is available at any fine home & garden center.

You see, the dull blade is merely ripping the grass-flesh, whereas a monthly sharpening will guarantee lawn slashing mayhem for years to come.

In your post script, you ask about the death screech of the slayers just before they take “the dirt nap.”

The screech is just a noise we like to make to freak people out. Years ago we used to scream “Lalalalalalala” but the Beast found this silly. Then, my brother Jim, Jim the Slayer that is, was watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail and he wanted us to all say “Nee” when we…”seed the earth.” This was fun for while and it did make some of our foes a little nuts. Jim did try to get everyone saying “meow” after watching Super Troopers, but it didn’t take.

The death screech however, has proven to be the cat’s pajamas.

What does “golden fried” mean? Does it mean like baked or something? is it unhealthier/healthier than regular frying or is it just as bad? - Beth, Oregon

Golden Fried is the right amount for human flesh, I have discovered. The “golden” quality is achieved with breading, which is a pain in the butt to cover humans with. They immediately start crying and their tears wash off the breading and flour. I have found that a quick eye gouging usually renders the tear ducts inadequate.

To answer the second part, the health factor, typically the more breading used, the more fattening it is.

BTW, baking is not frying. That’s why it is called baking.

Happy cooking luv!

I want to know how the slayer feels about both Obama and McCain.  And about the weakness of America’s general populous to stand up to the influx of muslim ideology.  Oh and what he would do with that Samir coward.  (I envision a photoshop with the Glaive and Samir). - Jason

#1- The man they call McCain would have made a fine Slayer…(rubs nonexistent chin)

The Obama figure is a bureaucrat of epic proportions. Whenever he speaks, many nod their heads in acquiescence. This is an example of what we call “the hive mind.”

#2- The religion of the raider peoples has spread its tendrils far across your world. The Black Fortress has ways of dealing with them. Such methods are inconceivable to your peoples for now. However, when you have suffered enough, pragmatism will stomp on idealism and the olive branch will be replaced by the sword.

#3- The earthling called Samir Kahn is propagandist. He proclaims his desire to be a martyr, so your countrymen should watch him carefully. As for the Glaive, I am a Slayer. I do not use such infernal trinkets.