Who is Gobels?

Cary Avartas

Columbia, SC

Gobels is the name of Joseph Gobbels evil, stupid cousin. He tried to disseminate false information, but was always obvious and constantly got caught. Many pseudo intellectuals will cite Gobels, in an attempt to violate Godwin’s Law, but in doing so, they simply reveal their own laziness and intellectual dishonesty.

Most people who must cite Nazi’s, either don’t know anything about them, or they are on the fast track toward losing the argument. This is called reductio ad Hitlerum.

I remember a raid in which our target was a neo-nazi maniac. Jim made the marks friends read Frederick Douglass and draw rainbows and stuff. The neo-nazis were so terrified at this, that one started crying a little. Jim stood over him and shouted “Draw a unicorn! Draw a f**king unicorn you bastard!” The guy scribbled it out and then Jim made him draw different colored people (and a Slayer) holding hands. He started yelling some more. “Draw faster dammit. C’mon you fairy! I want peace and love and sh*t. C’mon God dammit make it happen!” The guy broke down and Jim stuffed crayons into his eyes before crushing his windpipe.

The others freaked out and tried to run, but we ran them all down and got the mark. He begged for his life but we just tormented him by acting out lines from Gone With the Wind and Pulp Fiction. Finally I had enough if his crap and we buried him alive with the happy pictures we made them all draw. When we were ready to return, Jim asked me why they were targeted, the directives are secret so I had to make something up.

“They violated the law Jim.” I said.

Jim was puzzled. “What law?”

“Godwin’s Law”

I asked Jim where he got the idea for terrifying people with drawing pictures, he told me it was from a cartoon.