Who is Gobels?

Cary Avartas

Columbia, SC

Gobels is the name of Joseph Gobbels evil, stupid cousin. He tried to disseminate false information, but was always obvious and constantly got caught. Many pseudo intellectuals will cite Gobels, in an attempt to violate Godwin’s Law, but in doing so, they simply reveal their own laziness and intellectual dishonesty.

Most people who must cite Nazi’s, either don’t know anything about them, or they are on the fast track toward losing the argument. This is called reductio ad Hitlerum.

I remember a raid in which our target was a neo-nazi maniac. Jim made the marks friends read Frederick Douglass and draw rainbows and stuff. The neo-nazis were so terrified at this, that one started crying a little. Jim stood over him and shouted “Draw a unicorn! Draw a f**king unicorn you bastard!” The guy scribbled it out and then Jim made him draw different colored people (and a Slayer) holding hands. He started yelling some more. “Draw faster dammit. C’mon you fairy! I want peace and love and sh*t. C’mon God dammit make it happen!” The guy broke down and Jim stuffed crayons into his eyes before crushing his windpipe.

The others freaked out and tried to run, but we ran them all down and got the mark. He begged for his life but we just tormented him by acting out lines from Gone With the Wind and Pulp Fiction. Finally I had enough if his crap and we buried him alive with the happy pictures we made them all draw. When we were ready to return, Jim asked me why they were targeted, the directives are secret so I had to make something up.

“They violated the law Jim.” I said.

Jim was puzzled. “What law?”

“Godwin’s Law”

I asked Jim where he got the idea for terrifying people with drawing pictures, he told me it was from a cartoon.

When we take him in the car, my cat opens his mouth for about 5 min… no sound. What is that?

Lyvonia Hark

Ft Hood, Texas

Your feline creature suffers from SBL. Suppressed Battle Lust.

Each time you ride in your vehicle, the feline fantasizes about slaying vermin.

Because your creature has been imprisoned in a feminized environment, with cutesy toys and scratching posts, the natural tendency to make war upon vermin has been left unfulfilled.

Get some feeder mice from the local pet store, and throw them and the cat into a kids plastic pool.

Then sit back like you are in Rome and watch the fun.

A good party tip is to number each mouse with permanent marker and take bets as to who will be slaughtered first. It heightens the drama, and your cat will enjoy the festive mood.

Halloween is fast approaching,  Do you as Slayers enjoy this holiday seeing as you are already in costume?  Or do you guys dress up?

Michael Myers
Smith’s Grove, Illinois

Halloween is a fabulous time for the Slayers. Not only do we get to walk the streets of Earth with impunity, but we usually get to pig out on candy when a raid goes down. Sometimes we will dress up.

Last Halloween, I lead a raid in Oklahoma and I dressed up as Master Chief, we are all big fans of Master Chief Theatre 3000. Getting back to the story, we decided to just knock in the door, it being Halloween, and waltz into the targets house when they answered. Jim was at full steam of course, and he was angry that I made him wear the clown costume. I had hoped it would calm him down. I was wrong.

• “This is bullsh*t. This is no costume, it’s an embarrassment. You’re making me pay for my exuberance.” - Jim on the dropship just before the raid.

So, I knock on the door, the target answers, and his mouth drops open at Master Chief, a pissed off clown, and ten Slayers on his porch. I say “Trick or Treat” enjoying the moment and Jim leaps forward and shouts “Trick Motherf***er!”. He then stomps the target into a bloody pulp with his clown shoes. We finished off the rest of the occupants, stole the candy bowls, and burnt the house down.

So, to answer your question, yes, we enjoy Halloween very much.

Dear Slayer,
 
On Earth we have great festivals like Beerfest, Octoberfest, Ribfest and others. Do you guys have something similar, like Bloodfest or Pillagefest?
I’m dying to know.
 
Morris
 
Withlacoochee, FL

We have Slayerpalooza!

Hey Slayer!
 
Going by your posts, Jim seems pretty vicious. How do you keep him and the others in check and prevent mutinous uprisings? I have 3 boys and I’m a single mom. Sometimes I feel like they’ll be the death of me. I have no authority over them. They constantly argue with me over every little thing. What’s a girl to do???
 
Mavis,
 
Berlin, NJ

Keeping Jim and the other Slayers in-line is simple. If they go too far, they are buried alive. This is a practice frowned upon on Earth I realize, so maybe just whack their bottoms with a wooden spoon. If you don’t cook, buy a wooden paddle. They don’t bruise and are good for getting out stress.

I remember I had to move a group of orphaned boys once. We had just decimated their town and I was stuck with escorting thirty brats to the slave ship. They started acting up along they way, so I took the one who was acting up the most and quickly buried him alive in front of the other children. I uncovered him in about 30 seconds, but he got the point and I didn’t have anymore problems out of the children.

Dear Slayer, When you’re out cruising in your rocketship, what’s usually in the tape deck? Do you prefer David Bowie’s Major Tom, Elton John’s Rocket Man or Afrika Bambaata’s Planet Rock? Do you and Jim ever fight over tape deck control?
 
Jeff,

Brisbane, Australia

The Slayers traverse the universe inside The Black Fortress, (see Krull) we do not use Flash Gordon style transportation. Of the artists you named, I would go with Afrika Bambaata.

However, those don’t really cut it for us. I pick the music before the raids, as I am the Propaganda Minister for pre-raid preparation and I have to say Rob Zomie’s Supercharger Heaven, American Nightmare and Superbeast have been the favorites lately.

If I think an upcoming skirmish might be difficult, I throw on Skindred’s Nobody. If the circumstances are extreme, then I call upon Battery, by Metallica.

I remember having to bash out a spy’s skull with an ice cream scooper. The thrasing of Battery inspired me to finish the job when my arm got tired. The wailing agony of that man, what a baby he was, crying over such a cool death I gave him. How many can say they were beaten to death by an ice cream scooper? Such originality…

As for Jim, he is into 80’s hair bands. 

Dear Slayer,
 
Why is it that people say “an historic” instead of “a historic?” It sounds both pretentious and stupid and it drives me out of my mind whenever I hear it in the media. Please tell me I’m not the only one!
 
Max
 
Doraville, GA

The usage of “an historic” is used when the “H” is not pronounced. For example, honest, honor, or hour.

When people say “an historic” and pronounce the “H”, they have gotten it wrong. It should sound “an ‘istoric occasion…”

The use of “a historic” has come about because many earthers do not teach proper English.

For instance, here is a site that justifies the use of ”a historic” because there are more uses of it found on Google. This proves the Internet has made everyone stupid. 

Many will refer to “modern English” as if they have discovered a new way to speak, when in reality, they are just too lazy to learn the proper way.

I remember having this discussion with a school teacher whose home we were raiding. I shouted out “Men! This raid is an historic occasion.”

She fired back “A historic occasion. You should use the modern vernacular.”

Jim lept in forward and tackled her while shouting ”You sow! We speak ”an” vernacular of death!”

She died painfully.

So, the rule is:

Speak how you wish, but do not excuse your low bred vocabulary by saying you are “modern.”

Dear Slayer,
 
My girlfriend gets upset when I sing the Black Betty song. “Whoah Black Betty Bama ba bam! Whoa Black Betty wham Ba Lam!”  I tried explaining to her that it’s about a civil war era rifle but she doesn’t believe me. Instead she accuses me of wanting to have relations with a black girl, Betty or otherwise.
 
I love my girlfriend and I don’t want to lose her. I’ll admit that alot of black girls are hot but that is not why I sing the song. Please give us a reference that will settle this once and for all.
 
Mitch,
 
Brockton, MA

Well Mitch, I am sure black women all over the world are glad to have your “admission” the some of them are hot. They can all get on with their lives now.

The song Black Betty is purported to originally be about a flintlock rifle, later on it was a wagon and then later still, a woman.

As far as your girlfriends insecurity, tell her that her flat wonderbread butt does not compare to the double mocha mountain majesty possessed by so many Earth women.

Are there female Slayers?  How do you reproduce?

Billy Bob

AK

No, I am afraid there are no lady Slayers.

This also means we don’t get our fortunes taken from us by a disgruntled females, we don’t get nagged and we don’t get put in jail for phony complaints. Is not the life of the Slayer grand?

We reproduce as all bi-pedals, but I shall not reveal the darkest secrets of the Slayers.

(I will say this, some of the “breeder” captives have told me that Jim always leaves his socks on.)

Dear Slayer,
 
What are the pros and cons of having a hamster as a pet?
 
Thanks!

Barb in FL

The Earthlings proclivity to usher vermin into their homes is unique in the galaxy. No place in the universe has peoples who love and cuddle rodents like the Earthers do. This has led me to believe that the hamster has hypnotic powers over human beings.

“Observe my hamster powers human filth!

You shall feed me.

You shall clean my poop.

You will love me, though I will use you.

You are slave to the Ham.”

The pros:

Hamsters only live two to three years.

They don’t bark.

The Cons:

Hamsters only live two to three years, long enough for kids to develop a broken heart.

They don’t bark. Some people like this. Especially burglars and other human waste.

They bite you and your kids, not the burglars.

If you don’t clean the cage, it stinks.

Work for reward ratio is a raw deal. You take care of it until it dies and it gives you nothing in return.

The verdict: If you want one more thing to take care of, get a hamster.

I remember laying waste to family years ago and all they had in the house was a hamster. I ate it, right in front of their children.

Good thing for us Slayers they didn’t have a dog.